Progression
by melanie39
Summary: Ryan reflects on the years that have led him to his college graduation from Berkeley.


**Thanks to my beta Loracj2!**

**Progression**

He stands in front of the mirror, adjusting his tie. His cap and gown lay ready across the bed. Right at this moment, Sandy and Kirsten are traveling up by car. Kirsten wants a break, she says. She wants to sit and gaze out of the window and think of nothing. She's in the middle of planning a post graduation wedding. Seth and Summer have made it through four years of separate schools and the accompanying rage blackouts, and have come out the other side engaged. It's three weeks to the wedding, and Ryan is Seth's best man. Summer's decided against a Matron of Honor. She knows this wedding won't be how she planned it in second grade, and that's not just because she's marrying Seth Cohen. Taylor gets it and hasn't pushed. In fact she's sidestepped the whole bachelorette thing altogether, which is so very un-Taylorish that Ryan can't help but be impressed. Instead she's planned a low- key gathering of Summer and Seth's closest friends, seven people who don't have to pretend there isn't someone missing.

Marissa's funeral is delayed. Something about the coroner wanting the full story before her body is released. It's a month after the accident before Julie Cooper can bury her daughter.

It's a month since Ryan's left the pool house for anything other than obligatory Cohen family meals and meetings with the police. Kirsten makes him go. She says he needs to, even though he doesn't think he does. She tells him to trust her, so he does. She walks up the aisle of the Wayfarer's Chapel with him, past the lines of murmuring Harbor school students, past Dr Kim, past the teachers he didn't think he'd see again after graduation, past Dr Roberts and Summer, past Seth and Sandy. He pulls against her silently as he sees where she's headed, but she insists and he's not about to make a scene. Not here. Not now. So he sits and wipes his hands on his thighs and struggles to loosen the collar that threatens to choke him. Kaitlin follows, her arm linked through her mother's, her head held high, almost in defiance, as impossibly perfect as her sister, and Ryan knows for sure that perfection is impossible. Julie slides in next to him, and he can't help but risk a glance her way because he can't believe, not for one second, that she's pleased to see him sitting here. But he doesn't get the Julie Cooper glare of hate, and although she doesn't look at him, and her eyes are obscured through a pair of heavy dark sunglasses, she picks up his hand and holds it firmly, and suddenly he knows that this wasn't Kirsten's idea, and he holds her hand back, just as firmly.

Kirsten calls Ryan before they leave to give him their E.T.A. They chat a little, even though they know they'll see each other in just a few hours. She can't resist asking him if she should bring along her wedding planner file from her in tray. After all, she tells him, it's been two years. She and Sandy really like Amy. She's a year behind Ryan at Berkeley. She's pretty and sweet and reminds Kirsten of Lindsay in lots of ways, and she makes Ryan smile a lot. And she's wondered more than once recently, with Seth clearly so ready to settle down, whether this will bring some similar announcement from the other twenty-two year old boy in her life. But Ryan is typically non-committal about his relationship, and Kirsten won't push because, honestly, she thinks Seth and Summer are a little young to be doing this, and besides, if she is being really truthful, she's pretty sure Ryan doesn't think Amy's the one. It's just that somewhere inside her, she still can't help worrying about Ryan in a way she's never worried about Seth.

_Ryan knows the Cohens are worried about him when Luke appears at the pool house door. He hasn't seen Luke since the funeral, and even then they didn't talk. Luke had come up to him, patted him on the back gently and then quickly left to hug Julie and tell her how sorry he was. Ryan wonders how weird that must have felt._

"_Hey man."_

_Ryan nods from the bed, his head propped up against pillows, his position of choice for the last 35 days, 8 hours and who cares how many minutes. _

"_She wouldn't want to see you like this."_

_It's all Luke can think of to say. It's a platitude, he knows that, and he's frustrated with himself. He should be the one to know what to say, because she was his girlfriend too, once, and it's not like he's forgotten what it was like to have dated Marissa Cooper. _

_Seth thinks he's the one who'll know what to say. He's hounded Luke for the last twenty four hours, begging him to speak to Ryan. His hair is all wild and his eyes dark and pleading, and Luke thinks if Seth looks this bad then how much worse must Ryan be?_

_Luke can picture Seth now, sitting on the steps at the front of the house where he left him, his arms wrapped round his legs, quieter now and quieter than Luke can ever remember him, quieter even than when he arrived in Portland, when it had taken him a whole week to explain why he was there. _

_Ryan leans over and picks up a bottle of water sitting on his nightstand. He sips the water and looks up at his first rival for Marissa Cooper's affections._

"_Seth called you, right?"_

_Luke shifts uncomfortably from one foot to the other, shoving his hands in his pockets so that he has something to do. _

"_He's worried about you. Everyone's worried about you."_

_Ryan's eyes are angry. "So what should I do? Get up, go out, pretend everything's OK?"_

_Luke shrugs his shoulders helplessly and Ryan feels bad for just a moment. Then he lies back on the bed and stares at the ceiling because he's not going to try and be a different person. Not this time._

Ryan sometimes wishes Sandy was NOT such good friends with Paul Glass. Ryan's had to accept a lot of favors since he was fifteen years old. Trey would call it good fortune. Trey would say to take all you can, while you can, before the Atwood luck catches up with you again. But Ryan's not like Trey, even if Theresa didn't think so, and he's had more than his fair share of favors, thank you very much, and he'd really like to never have to accept another favor in his life. He's been at Berkeley for four years because of a favor, because the architecture department doesn't take late arrivals gladly, even if that late arrival HAD worked his ass off to catch up with all the reading and assignments. The architecture department at Berkeley wants a student to appreciate his place at their university, not blow them off for three months because of a sometimes girlfriend, sometimes not, who happens to be dead.

_Ryan is asleep, cocooned in the sultry warmth from the Newport sunshine streaming through the glass of the pool house, when Trey arrives. He towers over him, a dark, looming presence suddenly extinguishing the relentless glare of the afternoon. He kicks at Ryan's foot which dangles, bootless, over the edge of the bed and Ryan jolts awake, disoriented, confused, his head foggy from the oppressive sleep. He blinks in recognition, wonders fleetingly if the Cohens know that Trey is here and then checks himself. Of course they must know, because there's no way Trey would be here, uninvited, and Ryan thinks they must really think he's on the edge to bring his brother into this equation._

_Trey sits down on the edge of the bed without an invitation, passing one of two bottles of beer to his younger brother. Ryan grips the bottle, cold and wet, with his right hand, because, right now, he can't trust it to do anything else. Trey is the first person to get actual direct eye contact with Ryan in a very long time._

"_The Cohens have gone out, they said to tell you. To the mall or something…" and Trey waves his hand vaguely because, truth be told, he can't remember exactly where they said they were going. All he remembers are Kirsten's hands twisting anxiously and Seth standing beside her, babbling about what he's not quite sure, and Sandy, dark eyes troubled and sincere, patting him on the shoulder and thanking him for coming. _

_Trey takes a sip of beer and his eyes rest on his little brother, a little brother who doesn't seem so little any more, and he knows "I'm sorry" just isn't going to hack it this time._

_Ryan sits very still and thinks, actually, that he still wants to kill his brother. He thinks he could catch him off guard and throw him to the ground and beat the living daylights out of him, a re run of two years ago, only this time his brother wouldn't get the better of him, and this time there'll be no one to stop them anyway. Because, however Ryan looks at it, no matter which route he takes, no matter how often, and he's taken all of them over and over again in his mind, all the trails lead back to Trey._

Amy comes into his dorm room. She's dressed in a pink floaty dress and her long blonde hair hangs loose and shimmering over her shoulders. He leans in for a sweet lingering kiss and she wraps her arms around him, pulling him close.

"Hey, graduate, you're looking smart!"

She tugs at his tie, teasingly, and he pushes away, protesting but laughing.

"Don't! You've no idea how long it took me to iron and press this stuff and the Cohens will be here soon. I won't have time to redo it all."

She grins an apology and presses a sheaf of envelopes into his hand.

"Here, I picked up your mail from the hallway, Mr Popular..."

He flips through the letters, identifying all but a couple from their postmark or handwriting, and throws them down on the bed to be dealt with later.

"_What the hell do you mean, you're not going to Berkeley?"_

_Ryan sits up smartly and pulls his t-shirt straight. He can't lie on the bed tossing the ball any more, because this is Marissa's mother standing in front of him, and she is the one person who deserves his attention. _

_She's standing there, eyes flashing, hands on hips and Ryan sees the Julie Cooper from his first summer in Newport, standing in that hospital corridor, and suddenly, just for a moment, he's that boy again._

_He starts to get up and she snaps back at him._

"_No, don't get up. I'll sit." And he swings his legs over the side of the bed and bites his lip as he waits for her to speak. _

"_OK, Ryan, here's the deal," and Julie looks at him matter of factly. "I could say 'Marissa wouldn't have wanted you to do this to yourself". I could say 'You're not to blame'. I could say 'You need to move on with your life,' but I know you've heard all that stuff." Julie waves her hands dismissively. " What I will say is this. Whatever went on between you two in those last few months, whatever you were to each other at the end, I don't know. But I do know this. Despite my best efforts to persuade her otherwise, Marissa loved you. And I loved Marissa. So I want you to do something for me. I want you to go to Berkeley and graduate and make something of yourself. Marissa believed you could do it, and, despite all I've ever said and thought about you, at this point, what Marissa believed is good enough for me. She doesn't get to have a future, but you do. I know people have said it before, but it's the truth. It's what she would have wanted. She'd be furious if she thought you'd thrown it all away because of what happened to her. I know it, and I'm pretty sure you do too." _

_Julie doesn't expect Ryan to answer. He's still sitting on the bed, his feet turned inward, pressed against each other on the floor, and his head is held low so she can't see his face, but she knows he's listened, and she doesn't want to overload him but she needs to say one more thing._

"_No one wants their child to die before they do. It doesn't seem right." Julie's voice falters and Ryan's mouth goes dry._

"_I can't tell you what I'd have given to be with her…"_

_Ryan is immobile and even if he wanted to move, he's not sure he could. This is a place he doesn't want to go to. This is the place he's run so far away from he was assuming he'd never have to find his way back. But Julie carries on, oblivious, pulling him closer and closer._

"_and I wasn't, and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life…but I need to tell you this, Ryan…" Julie pauses and takes a deep agonized breath before she continues._

"_that if I couldn't be with her myself, there's nobody else I'd have chosen." _

_Julie's voice is just a whisper yet Ryan can hear and feel every word, and despite the battle of wills he's fought inside his head, he's back there, on that fuel soaked road and he's stroking her face and telling her it's going to be O.K. _

_He almost misses what Julie says next but she takes his hand and rests it in her lap, and somehow her voice filters through. _

"_I know it was a terrible thing for you to have to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But… I'm glad it was you that was there."_

_Julie doesn't continue. She doesn't explain, and she doesn't wait for Ryan to respond. She just releases his hand and heads to the pool house doors and knows she's said all she can say._

_Later, Ryan leaves the pool house and says goodbye to Julie at the front door. Her face is streaked with tears, and Kirsten and Sandy hang back in the hallway. They don't hear Ryan's whispered message to Julie as he hugs her goodbye, but Julie smiles gratefully and hugs him back tightly and wipes away more tears. _

Ryan sometimes wishes Sandy wasn't such good friends with Paul Glass, Berkeley's admissions coordinator. But not today. Today, he's glad Sandy Cohen and Paul Glass met thirty five years ago on the same campus he's tramped across daily for the last four years. Because today Ryan Atwood has three graduation tickets in his pocket and everyone else in his class has only two, and he knows, when he steps up onto that podium to receive his degree, there'll not only be be two very proud Cohens waving him on, but also a Cooper Nichol Roberts, the mother of a girl who would have been very disappointed in him if he hadn't made it this far.

The End


End file.
